Why?

Why is a great question one, we have applied to so many things. I don't and won't talk much about my childhood for many reasons. Mostly because I don't have a clear memory of it and what I do remember is rather painful and makes people uncomfortable when I do talk about it.

I was quick to understand the phrase "some die so others may live". I have held on to that for many years, when thinking about my fathers death from alcoholism. I am lucky, I hit bottom and have been sober for quite some time.  Others however, are not so fortunate.

I have tried over the years to BE the best example of sobriety I can be. At times I have wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders and scream "It's not that fucking hard"!!!! But we get in our own way sometimes. I knew I had a problem and chose to wear it like a badge. Screw hiding the booze! I was a drunk not an Alcoholic! Alcoholics go to meetings........ Through a series of events, loosing a job, place to live etc..... I was able to reach out and ask for help. I was finally WILLING to do something about my drug and alcohol use. I took that first step, from that day on my life has changed more than I could possibly imagine.

Over the last 15 years I've had an on and off again relationship with my oldest sister. I make her mad, we don't talk. She makes me mad, we don't talk. I was going out of my mind wondering why she just couldn't get it, and had a rather disappointing conversation with her a week ago. Last Sunday I was able to call her and tell her I loved her. She passed the next day, her pain is over. Mine is just beginning. I need it, I will feel it, I will get through it.

All the pictures that I poached off the web are from Donner Summit. Donner holds special memories for all of the people in my family. I can say that was the one thing we all shared was the love of the Sierras. This especially holds true for Tonnie. I know over the last few years thinking about going back to Soda Springs was one of the few joys in her life.

                                                                     I love you sis

Half Rant Half truth

"Half measures availed us nothing" is a phrase I seemed to have heard somewhere? I guess in my world, it's a phrase I hear often. I think almost every single time I go to a meeting. If I'm paying attention I think it is on page 59.

This comes to mind as I think about when somebody tells me that they ran a marathon a 13.1!

Now, I don't want to come off as some kind of ass. But when did 13.1 become a marathon? Was there a meeting that I missed?  This follows the course of many of my thoughts over the past few years. The inflation of one's accomplishments is nothing new to sport and life. "Dude, I hooked with a total ten last night". Really? I bet she was a seven, max! My favorite all time inflation, is in recovery "when I got into recovery back in.................? " Wow you must have some time? Oh no, I can't stay sober for more than a month, I just keep coming back. I hear that shit all the time.......... I love it! Because they keep coming back. I sometimes wish they would shut the fuck up and listen. I myself thought that because I had not had a drink in two years that I was stone cold sober and went to the occasional meeting. That makes me chuckle now, I was smoking weed on a daily basis and dipping into other substances. But hey, "I didn't drink, I must be sober" That kind of thinking almost killed me. I am lucky. I had that moment of clarity that allowed me to reach out and ask those who really were sober to show me how.

Now I'm no saint and am super guilty of talkin my shit up. But seriously when did running a 13.1 qualify as a marathon? I do cling to the philosophy that if you run a mile and walk a mile you are still

lapping everyone on the couch. As long as you are out there you are killing it!

 

This is where ego comes into play. Am I free from it, can I really live without it? I would like to think I could, but honest enough to know I can't. My ego is delicate dangerous creature. I am sensitive, I am rock hard. These are the dualities of my life.  But as long as I move forward I will be doing okay.

Authenticity

I am posed with questions.
What does it mean to be authentic? Does a workout or run count if I don't post it on facebook? Am I the person praying in he window for all to see, or am I off in a quiet place for my own reasons. Am I of service for others with a pat on the back in mind or do things without expectations?

 We are in a digital age where we can present our best selves to the world. Posting our best runs, our "I'm up before you" workouts or "My day would not be complete without prayer". Everyday can be a first date with the world.  I will borrow from Chris Rock, in saying that "On a first date, you are not there, you send your representative". Your best you! Not the everyday you. Not the one that forgets to say thank you, or leaves the toilet seat up.  You want to present a you, without flaws. The you, you wish you could be.

 So how much "Authenticity" do I have if everything is great? I remember back some time ago "Epic" was a popular word that made it's way into all of my conversations. "Dude the waves were epic, aw man, me and my gf had an epic fight, this concert will be epic" Blah blah blah....... At age 46 I think I was able to truly use the word epic in proper context. People would ask how as Egypt and all I could sum up at time was "it was Epic".

 I have learned so many things in the last 18 years of my life. All of which can be rooted in sobriety and working with other sober people. I am not going to stand on my soap box and cry out that AA is the only path in life, but I will say that it is what works for me. Some of the best advice I have ever had has been "take what you need and leave the rest".

One of the true pleasures I get from recovery is self reflection. Many folks not in recovery do not get he time or even the opportunity for self reflection. My sobriety demands it. It is one of the steps I hold near and dear to my emotional life. Am I good at saying "hey, it's time to look inward?". Hell no! Most every time I get in a spot of discomfort and rant about some "thing" that is bothering me. It is my sponsor or one of my good friends that will remind me to look at "my part" in the situation.
Owning my part in a bad situation is my way to freedom.

These are the kinds of things I think about!

SD100 My date with a Beast

SD100 was unbelievable. I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I had heard that the temps would be high. We stayed in Julian the night before the race. We skipped the usual prerace pasta fest and found a lovely BBQ joint. Yea, I'm not sure if almost 2lbs. of shredded pork and Brisket were a good move, but is sure was tasty. Pre race is always fun, checking in, getting your wrist band and thinking "WHAT AM I DOING"? Lot's of standing about nervously hydrating and catching up with everybody you haven't seen since the last race.

Race morning coffee had to be made in the room as the B&B did not have any brewed at 04:30. A little Cream of Wheat to coat the belly and get things rolling (if you know what I mean ;) ). Off to the start. 20 minute car ride with a bonus sighting of a cool bobcat.

Race time was prompt. Off we go!!!!!! I was blown away by the stunning scenery, pine trees and alpine meadows. I'm thinking "wow" this will be awesome! Well crank up the heat baby it's on. 

I really enjoyed the first 20 or so miles. I hadn't done a bunch of research on the course but have heard great things about the course. Huge descent into Noble Canyon. Scott had advised us to make sure we had an extra bottle, thanks for the advice! I ended up stowing the bottle on my back full of ice and it was so nice. The 31mile aid station was raucous, but that's what happens when Jimmy Dean Freeman is the station captain. A quick 5 mile mile loop and it was back to the bikini-clad aid station.  Drink some more and up the hill. The first time I hit Penny Pines I think I overloaded on food. I was having issues with my nutrition. It probably turned out to save my race. I had to slow my roll. I pressed on and was excited to see my crew. We had a four mile push straight uphill. I was glad that it was all pavement. The following four miles seemed to last FOREVER! People were suffering, bad. I did my best to encourage other runners telling some "we're almost there." Shit was I wrong, that hot-ass climb seemed to last forever. My crew fed me and and got me going. Between Sunrise 1 and Stonewall Mine the wheels started to come off. I was about a mile or more out of Stonewall when I started to stagger down the trail and my head felt a little funny.  I can honestly say that was the worst I have felt in a long time. I was not worried about my finish but actually being pulled from the race for being so delirious. I can't say enough about the support I got from my lovely wife, Susan my pacer and "Jeff" some random volunteer that made sure I ate some quesadillas and chicken soup. This was my turning point. Do I go on or plead to my crew to let me stop. Why do I run these races, why am I suffering, can I make it stop? Best thing for me to do is get out of the chair. Just a quick 5 and I get my pacer........Yay company.

Off through a nice rolling meadow and BOOM up we go.  Up and over a hill that seemed to go on forever. Down...........OMG......down was painful. I was able to make it to Paso Picacho and Susan was ready to go! My only problem with a pacer at that time is that they are fresh and bubbly ready to RUN and all smiley. Susan was terrific she set an alarm on her phone to go off every so often to remind me to drink, eat or take an electrolyte. We had a good run to Sweetwater. 04:00 and a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and a forced red bull. I was able to run with my lovely wife. I have to say that it was one of the most pleasurable legs of the race.

I am so lucky to not only have a wife that supports me to run races like this, but participates by crewing, volunteering and pacing me. We had a great time running as the sun decided it was time to pop up.   

It was a great run. Susan had a chair waiting for me.

Beware the chair is the Ultra crew's motto. I did not stay long. We took off and by 07:30 it was hot again. We pushed on, a little run a little walk. I know Susan was thinking come on lets DO THIS! I just picked them off one at a time. Heading back to Penny Pines you run into Goats, Old Goats that is. But even a crusty old goat can have lovely partner. There's hope for me to keep mine.

I did my best to move forward at a steady pace. Knowing we were on our way to the finish I mustered some actual running.  Once we left Rat Hole it was ON! I did everything possible to run to the finish slowing to say hello to a father giving his daughter a shoulder ride. We needed a boost and the look on his face when he asked "how far is your race?"

Susan's face says it all. I was done! Excited to finish and grateful for the chance. Thanks to Scott Mills and all of his volunteers. Thanks to Susan R for giving up her weekend. I want to thank all of my Runwell teammates for their support. Most of all I really want to thank my lovely partner and wife Shana.

Tumble

I am heading out to San Diego to run the SD100. I am nervous and excited. With facebook, twitter and word of mouth I hope to have much support. Getting ready reminds me of the winter I worked at a ski resort and told my gf to watch the summit at noon while I jumped off and cut fresh tracks in the powder. At noon I tipped my ski's over the edge, my gf on the deck of the resort eager to see my mad skills ripping thtrough the powder (oh, and she told a buttload of coworkers to watch as well). BOOM one turn and it was ass over tea kettle and flashes of red white, red white, red white as I tumbled to a stop.

I hope not repeat that this weekend. Runwell

Ramping up

Wow,
I am the laziest blogger out there. I look back and there are so many cool things that have slipped my mind. Volunteering for Keira at Griffith Park trail Marathon, running Calico 50k, running Leona Divide 50k, and celebrating the fact that we have lived in our own home for a year!

So as I am ramping up for SD100 this weekend I have to give credit where credit is due. Running Ultras can be one heck of a selfish endeavor. It's all about me for over 24 hrs, more like a week. I have all the prep of sorting, packing and fretting. The actual race and then the stiff legged snivelling for days after. My wife is amazing! She not only puts up with my crap, captains my crew (which is usually only her) but is my biggest cheerleader. We were reminiscing about WS in 2010 and I will never forget the smile on her face as I met up with her and we jogged in the final mile. It was pure joy.

And if you don't know WS100 is a terrible race to crew. Huge amounts of driving for very little time spent together. I am a lucky man. I love you Chicken!

Facewanker

So I'll be the first to admit it, I tend to whine like a little kid with a skinned knee (or french soccer player) at times. It's a quality I don't really care for. The good thing is that I do it less and less. Sometimes we talk about all of the negative aspects of facebook. I find so many good things.  I posted about facebragging and BOOM. I was blown away by all of the comments. Good and bad, I touched a nerve.

I read fb and continually think "WOW" that's kinda personal! Shouldn't you keep that to yourself? One of my other favorites,  people going on and on about their accomplishments. How much smoke can I blow up my own ass always comes to mind? Don't get me wrong we all need and want that pat on the back, but you know as well as I do it can be excessive. Really, you train all year long and won the Tuesday night world championships on Sunset? Were the four horsemen there? Oh they weren't, you kinda left that out.

I have a blog and I write about myself and can be really narcissistic. Why not, it's mine? Seriously I love to talk about my favorite subject, ME. Well if I'm throwing it out to the universe I might want to censor myself on occasion. I have a shitload of drafts. Many that should not be posted. Moslty the bitchy ones.
  
Let me get back to my rant, Facewanking. If you are talking about how you are being screwed by somebody you might be facewanking. You have a part in it, own it. If you are talking yourself up about something you haven't really done. Shut up, do it, then write about how awesome it was. Just know, there usually is somebody out there that has done it before,done it faster, done it better and talked a whole lot less about it.

Why is this on my mind? Well I'm about to toe the line in my sport of choice. It took me five years of pounding nails and learning before I called myself a carpenter. I finally feel I have run enough races to call myself a real ultrarunner, not a poser.

I will be humbled at this race, this I know, I welcome it. There are so many great runners out there and I will share the start line this Saturday with them.  I hope to share the finish line with them as well.